December 7, 2011: “negative self-talk”

i can’t help but feel like
you deserve better than me
you deserve a better version of me, at least
someone sensitive
suave
secure in himself

but you’re stuck with the shabbier me
the one with the cowlick
the ill-fitting coat
the dearth of confidence
and abundance of belly

i almost feel a little let down with myself, for your sake

each time i look forward to seeing you
i imagine heartfelt conversation, laughter,
maybe a little sexual tension,
but when we share space i start to second-guess myself
my conversation is stale, my jokes almost non-existant
and i wonder if you ever wish i were someone else.

i don’t really think that’s true–i guess i’m just
suprised that it’s not. i mean,
you’re simply incredible–
what in the world are you doing here with me?

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January 25: “Please, Lord, Please”

how can i lead
when these days i feel like a fraud,
a rolling wreck of wasted potential,
a living, breathing missed opportunity?
i shudder to imagine their state if they
followed me as poorly as i follow Christ.
please, Lord, please
deliver me.

how can i speak
when the witness of my deliverance
is undercut by the wickedness that
still lurks in the corners of my heart?
it’s for freedom Christ set us free?
my wrists still burn with the memory of
self-forged chains, dark and sharp-edged.
please, Lord, please
deliver me.

how can i love
sacrificially, when my heart is selfish
and my mind is lazy and my soul is needy
and so eager to make women into idols and
then despise them for lacking divinity?
love like Christ loved the church? better to
keep silent and alone then fail so miserably.
please, Lord, please
deliver me.

[i’ll write no resolution for this complaint,
though i know there is hope,
and i know He is Faithful and True;
in the shadow of these stormclouds,
i can only pull tight my coat
and brace against the howling wind
rather than wait patiently for the
embrace of the sun.]

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February 14: [untitled]

feeling historically voyeuristic
as i read your hastily-penned lines
a lovely overture and speedy response
so much clever praise

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September 10: [untitled]

i’m not looking for the ultimate,
the perfect ten, the checked-off wishlist,
believe me, i’m willing to settle.
not like i’ll take just anybody
(th

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October 19: [untitled]

i can’t quit place my finger on the feeling
a bit like wanderlust but rather than
looking for another picture postcard destination escape
i begin to desire another life
another calling
another version of myself
as if there were parallel stories running
and i could step into another set of circumstances

the other me li

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Two days ago: “enigma”

[this is not a poem–
just a note
to the ones and twos of you
who still poke around these old lines
like a shaman scouring runes
to read the fate of
my restless heart.
so i’ll rattle off this
measly Morse, dots and
dashes to satisfy the
curious.]

“the worst kind of no is the kind that tries to wear the yes’s clothes.
despite the kindness of intent, the sound hangs ill-fittingly on the sense.”

==============================================
December 19–an addendum to “enigma”

[allow my to interrupt transmission
for a moment to update status STOP
things may not be as bleak
as they first appeared STOP
still developing STOP will update
when appropriate STOP]

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